how to find yourself Archives

I am trying to get my mind around a NEW normal. I have had to step way back and stop doing what is SO much a part of my DNA that it’s taken me into a circle of….understanding, screaming, crying, walking away, hurt, my ever-present giving up and just not caring anymore. It all started with my Mom falling and breaking her femur last August. Hospital, surgery, rehab, now long-term skilled care, which will be for the rest of her life. There are lots of stories from the process and not much happiness left…in me about her. A dear friend said about two months ago, “YOU have to care about and for yourself, you are lost.” I FINALLY heard her and since I’m trying to focus on me.

And NO, I still see my Mom (once a week or so), try to talk with her daily, if she will pick up the phone ( I try two times only) or she calls me??? But, I get a turn at my life now. PLEASE “Don’t share how wonderful all your care giving of others was or is. I have heard it all. I understand, I CANNOT DO IT. Or do I want too. I have said that since the beginning, with my Dad, with Mom and to my Husband. This is not news to anyone!” What I do think is knew to all, is that I meant it.

I have to think everything through, then again and again (couple of days). Pen to paper and I had a plan, have to have a plan…I always do. Reading this back…I make this sound easy, this has NOT been easy, I’m on a journey and I will be on for along time and I’m sure I will have to check myself often.

I scheduled an appointment with my Doctor, all good.
Looking around the house and found the things I have missed doing. I started a canvas months ago, the base was on it and nothing else. I pulled out my acrylic and started. Our home needed De-cluttering (VERY slowly, still working on it) needed to eat better, it all started, pretty much at ONCE. Painted our living room and dining room too…WHITE??? Have no clue, but WHITE ????
We had a huge trip coming up for our 40th anniversary and it was a great time to stop with my iPhone, that was probably the easiest. Check it one time daily and leave it alone. Also, with my little camera in hand, the trip let me take pictures, I had stopped something I love doing. I took 2448 pictures in three days at the Biltmore Estate.
Side view of The Biltmore Estate
Also, on the trip it gave me a chance to forget, forget everything that had happened, things that were said and made a plan of how to handle her (Mom’s) process, I will have to handle this for the rest of her life. I still have times, I can’t let things go, I just keep trying and trying.
Sleep, WONDERFUL Sleep. I love my bed, always have and always will, nothing makes me happier than a wonderful bed. I had changed sheets, but I hadn’t been doing it MY way. Well, not anymore, clean sheet every couple of days, quilts changed all the time. NEW pillows and even a new sound machine, the result, no sleeping med’s ! Win !
I don’t say sorry very often anymore, I don’t need to, I can’t make any one happy but myself. Or what I like to call, “NO, Tap dancing to make everyone happy.” No more !
I am working on my VERY short fuse…..and with that silence. BUT, Why should I have to be silent?

This process is ON going and I can say, I feel better, I understand better and I know I can be the only one to make me happy.

I highly recommend Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, I already OWN it, have for YEARS, and at this time in MY life I read it again …..I know I can’t do this again to myself.